The internet is loaded with Reddit, Quora, and other community forums that have been initiated by partners and spouses who all wonder why their romantic companions are opting for online pornography over physical intimacy:
These disgruntled groups aren’t the only ones questioning the behavior, as those on the other side of the relationship are also wondering why they may choose virtual intimacy over the physical act. Each month, thousands of Americans enter semantic variations of the following queries into their own online search browsers:
- Why do I prefer pornography over sex?
- Why do I watch porn instead of having sex with my wife?
- Why would I rather watch porn than have sex?
If you’re among the latter, you have recognized that using porn not as a supplement to sex in a romantic union, but a replacement, can be problematic. Allowing it to persist can drive a deeper wedge between you and your partner. Or, it may keep you in an irreconcilable relationship because you don’t allow yourself the opportunity to discover if you’re simply incompatible with the person you’re currently with.
Below is a summary of why it’s time for intervention followed by the steps to take towards greater sexual health.
Overview of How Porn Consumption Can Get in the Way of Real Intimacy with Your Partner (and what you can do about it)
Solo Porn Frequency Associated with Lower Satisfaction with Actual Sex
It’s important to note that this article is by no means an indictment on the use of pornography’s role in sexual health. In fact, there is consistent evidence to indicate that partners who watch pornography together report higher relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners who do not. What the same researchers have found, however, is that solitary use of pornography by one partner is negatively associated with their own relationship and sexual satisfaction, when their romantic partners used little to no pornography.
While there a number of potentially cooccurring issues to consider before definitive statements can be made (i.e. whether or not an individual struggles with mental/behavioral concerns) this may be an eye-opener to anyone who excludes their partner from the experience. If you haven’t tried to include your partner, consider opening the doors of communication. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Solo Porn Frequency Associated with Higher Rates of Sexual Dysfunction
Long-term consumption of pornography may compromise sexual desire and libido. This may be related to changes in the responsiveness of the reward system in the brain to sexual stimuli. Porn-associated stimuli may usurp real-life sexual intercourse stimuli, leaving someone with high-frequency porn use less stimulated by the prospect of sex with their spouse or partner. Further, covariate-controlled research has shown that high cyber-pornography addiction test (CYPAT) scores indicate problematic online pornography consumption is associated with higher probabilities of male erectile dysfunction (ED). On the other side of the gender spectrum, studies have found that pornography consumption can also negatively impact women’s sexual satisfaction, although issues regarding self-image, cultural upbringing, past trauma and more must be considered. In either case, high-frequency porn consumption that accompanies intimacy avoidance with one’s romantic partner must be met with deeper introspection.
Avoid Communicating Sexual Desires with Partner
This point circles back to the above-referenced research which indicates that partners who watch pornography together report higher relationship and sexual satisfaction. In relying on porn alone to satisfy sexual urges, you may rob yourself (and your partner) of an opportunity to communicate and connect on reciprocal sexual desires that may greatly enhance your romantic relationship. You may be on the precipice of something amazing, together. Close your web browser long enough to let your loved one in, and discover more about one another.
Avoid Dealing with Intimacy Issues with Partner
Have you turned to porn because of intimacy issues between yourself and your partner/spouse? There are a large number of issues that occur on either side of the relationship (or both) that could be causing intimacy issues. These include (but are not exclusive to) the following:
- Anxiety
- Chronic stress
- Depression
- Hypersexuality disoders
- Past physical trauma
- Past emotional trauma
- Negative relationship experiences (not necessarily trauma)
- Trust issues
- Low self-esteem
- Low sexual intelligence
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of intimacy
- Substance abuse
- Communication problems and difficulty expressing feelings
- Physiological medical conditions (acute or chronic)
If you continue to depend upon pornography as your sexual release from intimacy issues with your partner, you will never get to the root of the issue. Please keep reading.
What Needs to be Done
Unable to Stop Watching Porn?
To begin with, we ask you to consider whether not you’re able to abstain from or significantly scale back your use of porn long enough to open the doors of communication with your partner. If not, you may have a problematic relationship with pornography. Please reference the resources below to discover where you stand:
If you find that you may have a problem, you can initiate a virtual counseling session for problematic porn use right away. There are one-on-one counseling sessions and group therapy options available as well. Both offer a confidential, convenient, and effective path forward towards greater sexual health between you and your parter, beginning with YOU. Click to tap the image below to get started:
In addition, you may also (or instead) consider downloading the following self-guided program to overcoming compulsive porn use:
Concurring with Other Digital Distractions?
As alluded to in the section about intimacy issues above, there are a number of mental and behavioral health concerns that may get in the way of sexual health. It’s also important to draw attention to other digital outlets that you may be using as coping mechanisms regarding with sexual intimacy issues with your partner/spouse. Research shows that problematic use of pornography cooccurs with the following:
If you struggle with problem porn use along with other digital addictions, your pathway towards improved sexual (and general) health becomes more complex, requiring intervention from qualified specialists.
Couples Counseling
Regardless of where you stand with respect to all of the mental and behavioral health concerns addressed above, your online search for insight into why you prefer to watch porn than have sex with your spouse/parter indicates a necessity for couples counseling. Couples counseling guided by a therapist who has expertise in sexual health will open lines of communication and help you work through intimacy issues (where applicable) to find the path forward. Or, as referenced in the introduction, you may discover than the relationship is ultimately irreconcilable which may free you both to embark upon separate journeys in a healthy manner. Register for couples counseling right here.
Connect to Kindbridge for Improved Sexual Health
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CALL +1 (877) 426-4258
