Sexting is a portmanteau used to describe the act of engaging in sexually explicit discourse with individuals using messaging features available on smartphones and mobile devices. It involves the exchange of intimate content – text, photos, or videos – and immersion into virtual sex scenarios.
For couples in long distance relationships, sexting can be a way to bridge the intimacy gap until together again. It has also become an increasingly common part of modern relationship development. Recent research indicates that about three-quarters of Americans have exchanged in sexting with a prospective partner, as they leverage the web-enabled activity as an “icebreaker” to eventual in-person intimacy. For others, sexting without ever meeting the individual on the other side of the digital pathway is just a part of their sexual experience. There are apps dedicated specifically to the practice, allowing consenting adults to explore sexual desires at an arm’s length.
Ultimately, sexting can offer an individual a healthy, safe, and often (not always) anonymous journey through sexual exploration that is free of the complications they may associate with in-person experiences. But as with any digital activity, it does come with complications for segments of the population. According to user data from Google, up to one-hundred individuals per U.S. state perform an online search for “sexting addiction” each month, equating tens of thousands of individuals who may recognize they have developed an unhealthy relationship with the activity. Has sexting become an issue in your life? Please keep reading.
Overview of Signs, Symptoms, Consequences, Causation Factors, and Cooccurring Issues Related to Addictive Sexting Behavior
I. When Sexting Harms Others
Before we address the signs and symptoms of unhealthy sexting behavior at an individual level (next section) it’s important to address potential harms upon others.
Virtual Infidelity
Sexting is often compared to consumption of pornography or the use of platforms like OnlyFans and sex-chats, but there is a fundamental difference. It generally involves two consenting individuals who are seeking sexual exploration and pleasure, not an individual and a paid performer. While the latter can certainly be a problem for someone in a committed relationship (when the use of OnlyFans or sex-chats are hidden from a partner), sexting outside of a committed relationship is essentially a form of virtual infidelity. Upon discovery, a partner/spouse may feel a sense of betrayal akin to what they may experience if having discovered that their partner/spouse was involved in an in-person affair. This requires its own analysis, as people may engage in virtual infidelity due to internal, personal factors rather than dissatisfaction with their partner. Key drivers include low self-esteem requiring validation, the pursuit of excitement, self-sabotage, fear of intimacy, or a desire to regain a lost sense of identity. It is often an issue related to low impulse control, high sensation-seeking, and addictive behavior (more on this below).
When it Becomes Nonconsensual
It should go without saying that sexting from one adult to another adult is a major problem when the recipient of digital sexual advances has not provided consent, or feels pressure from a partner to engage in sexting. That’s a given, and may constitute a crime in some instances. However, there are instances where sexting starts off as a consensual exchange between two legal-age persons, but over time one-half of the sexting “chain” loses interest and wishes to end the relationship. This may frustrate the individual who wishes to maintain the online exchange, which can lead them to reengage against the wishes of the other. If it persists and the desire to keep sending sexually explicit content to their former virtual partner becomes a compulsion, intervention is critical.
Desire to Break the Virtual Barrier
Sexting can become problematic for an individual if they develop romantic feelings for the person on the other side of the exchange, and wish to break the virtual barrier by meeting in-person. This is an issue for the person on the other side, should they not want to move the relationship into the physical realm. Pressure to meet can lead to an end to the sexting relationship. This can become a problem if the romantically interested party persists in sending sexually explicit content to the other, who no longer consents, which then becomes an unwanted advancement and form of harassment.
II. Signs of Sexting Addiction
In the section above we addressed scenarios where unhealthy sexting is manifested in a manner that can directly harm others. These can be among the signs of a problem, but may not relate to thousands others who feel (and self-report) that they have a sexting addiction. There are many other observable behaviors that we encourage you to monitor for, so that you may determine if counseling intervention is required.
- I feel an uncontrollable need to send or receive sexually explicit messages.
- I feel a strong “high” when sending or receiving sexually explicit messages.
- I devote excessive effort to planning and preparing for the next sexting interaction, neglecting responsibilities, other healthy activities, and time with friends and loved ones. This may involve dedicating numerous hours per week to pre-writing sexual scenarios, taking explicit photos, or recording explicit videos to send consenting partner/s in advance of planned and unplanned interactions.
- I check messages obsessively to see if I have received sexually explicit interactions.
- I prefer to sexting over real in-person intimacy, even when real intimacy with a desirable person (as you see it) is accessible.
- I frequently engage in sexting on my smartphone when not safe to do so, such as when driving a vehicle.
- I frequently engage in sexting when my focus should be on real-time responsibilities, such as when at work or attending a collegiate lecture.
- I frequently engage in sexting when not appropriate, such as when at a family gathering or when I’m supposed to be watching over my kids (as applicable).
- My productivity at work or in studies has suffered due to habitual sexting behavior.
- I spend beyond my financial means for sexting app subscriptions.
- I feel anger and irritation when a sexting partner is not engaging at the same time.
- I feel sad and disappointed when a sexting partner does not respond with the validation I expected from content that I sent them (words, photos, videos).
- I frequently feel shame after sexting.
- I find that I often need to increase the intensity of sexually explicit content used in sexting to attain the same arousal and “rush” that was experienced before. For example, a sexting relationship may have started with requests for a partner to send light suggestive imagery (e.g. dressed in revealing lingerie), but I now request more hardcore imagery that may push their comfort zone to the brink.
- I frequently use alcohol or drugs when engaging in sexting.
- I have tried to quit or take a break from sexting, without success.
- I engage in sexting to escape from and cope with negative feelings and emotions.
III. Causation or Relational Past Experiences
As with other hypersexuality issues, such as compulsive use of pornography and sex addiction, unhealthy sexting behavior may be the result of, or relate to, past experiences in adolescence. If any of the adverse childhood experiences below relate to your childhood, counseling intervention is recommended:
- Early exposure (often by age 12) to pornography.
- Early exposure (often by age 12) to unnatural (for an adolescent) sexual experiences.
- Physical or verbal abuse, or some other traumatic experience.
- Household dysfunction, such as substance abuse in the home, domestic violence, or mental illness in caregivers.
- Neglect and a lack of consistent emotional support which can lead to loneliness, low self-worth, and difficulty identifying feelings which can lead to a search for a substitute for intimacy.
- Being raised in an environment where sexuality is heavily shamed or suppressed. This can create a cycle of curiosity, deep immersion in sexual activities, and subsequent development of unhealthy sexual behavior.
- Social isolation adolescence, as feeling rejected or excluded by peers in social situations can lead someone to seek a reliable, non-judgmental source of stimulation and comfort.
IV. Issues That May Cooccur with Unhealthy Sexting
There are various mental health issues that have a bidirectional, comorbidity-driven relationship with hypersexuality, unhealthy sexting included, If you live with any of the following, clinician intervention for your concern about sexting addiction is strongly recommended:
| Anxiety | Depression |
| Low Self Esteem | Suicidality and Suicidal Ideation |
| Eating Disorders | Substance Use Disorders |
| ADHD | Bipolar Disorder |
| OCD | PTSD |
There are also various behavioral health issues that may have a bidirectional, comorbidity-driven relationship with unhealthy sexting, If you know or suspect that you struggle with any of the following, counseling intervention is strongly recommended:
| Compulsive Use of Pornography | Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder |
| Problem Gambling | Unhealthy Gaming |
| Compulsive Shopping Disorder | Unhealthy Use of Social Media |
Where to Get Help
If any the above signs, consequences, causation factors, and cooccurring issues resonate, it’s time to reach out for help. You can talk to a counselor now, or schedule an appointment for a day/time this week or weekend. In either case, we’re here to help you get a handle on sexting. A counselor specializing in treating hypersexual behavior and cooccurring issues is available at a time that is convenient for YOU. Click or tap below to initiate a FREE assessment and to schedule your first online session. Insurance and direct billing available.
