Before we begin, we must clarify that the term “sex addiction” is used by the general population and media to describe compulsive sexual behavior. Compromised individuals often exhibit an inability to control thoughts, urges, and actions related to sexual activities to the point that negative outcomes ensue. This compulsive sexual behavior is classified as a process addiction (learn more here) and not classified in the same manner as an addiction to drugs and alcohol. The reason being, is that unlike with a substance addiction, the desirable high from dopamine, oxytocin, and other hormones is not attained through a given substance, but from the behavior itself. That being said, the neurotransmitter activity calls sufferers back into its falsely comforting arms with a near equal force.
Ultimately, we’re not here to discuss whether or not sexual addiction should be provided a clinical diagnosis in either the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) or International Classification of Diseases (IDC). Instead, the intent of this article is to provide an answer to a large number of people who are seeking insight for their own personal reasons. Given that you’ve performed an online search for “Is a sex addict a real thing?” there’s a good chance that you’re investigating on the behalf of a romantic companion, and subsequently yourself. Your role in this situation is equally important because whatever is happening, it has had and is having a very real impact on your own wellbeing.
It’s easy to understand the suspicion that partners and other loved ones may have when someone indicates that they are not able to cease unhealthy, risky, or contrary (to monogamy) sexual behavior. Society has been inundated with tabloid stories of celebrities and moguls using the term “sex addict” as a defense against infidelity and other actions. Tiger Woods, Lamar Odom, Colin Farrell, Charlie Sheen, Russell Brand, and Jada Pinkett Smith all come to mind. Whether or not these celebrities suffered from a process addiction is beside the point, as the nature of tabloid reporting and public opinion has already swayed the beliefs of many. But we digress.
In returning to your query, we suggest that there are additional questions to consider when deciding upon how to proceed (in either direction) with your partner. Please read ahead for further insight.
5 Other Questions to Consider if You Suspect Your Companion Has a Sex Addiction
Do They Exhibit Known Signs and Symptoms?
To help you identify whether or not your companion is a “sex addict” we must look at signs and symptoms of a problematic relationship with sex. These include the following:
- An inability to control compulsion to have sex resulting in sex with multiple partners, including strangers.
- Frequent infidelity while in a supposed monogamous relationship.
- Solicitation of sex from sex-workers to satisfy urges.
- Practicing unsafe sex with multiple partners, including strangers.
- Unable to concentrate at work or other activities due to being consumed by thoughts of sex.
- Lying to friends and loved ones to cover up sexual promiscuity.
- Loss of interest in other hobbies and activities.
- Using sex as a coping mechanism regarding life’s stressors.
- Forcing oneself sexually on others (possibly yourself).
- Feeling shame, embarrassment and/or remorse immediately after having sex.
If they exhibit any combination of the above, they may indeed fit the classification.
Do They Struggle with Cooccurring Conditions?
There are mental and behavioral health issues that are known to co-exist / cooccur with compulsive sexual behavior. These issues are not causation factors, per se, but they can make escaping the grip that compulsive sexual behavior has on someone even harder. If you know or suspect that your partner struggles with any of the following, intervention is required:
- Anxiety disorder
- Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
- Bipolar disorder
- Depression
- Gambling disorder (GD)
- Gaming disorder (predominantly in males)
- Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)
- Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Schizophrenia
- Substance use disorder (SUD)
Are They Ready to Get Help?
If your partner has confided that they are unable to control their thoughts, urges, and sexual behavior, let them know that there are specialized therapists who are ready to speak to them online today. Sit down with them and proceed to walk them through the initial assessment booking process below.
It’s one thing to confirm that there is a problematic relationship with sex, and that there are underlying issues that complicate the matter even further for your partner. However, if they have not come to terms with it, you may feel stuck. In this case, talk to them.
Choose a physical space that is comforting for them and that they have a positive association with. While traditionally done in a home environment, you may consider a private outdoor space that is meaningful to the two of you. In your discussion, make it clear that you are not blaming them. Do so by pointing to why they may not have been able to control their thoughts, urges, and behaviors, possibly because of the underlying issues identified above. This information may help them better understand why they are struggling. Approaching them in this enlightening manner will remove perceived judgement from the equation. From here, you can point to the damaging effects that their behavior has had on their wellness, your wellness, and your relationship. You can then circle back to the call-to-action to seek help from a specialist.
Are You Willing to Work Recovery with Them?
Your partner’s problematic sexual behavior has taken a toll on you. While you clearly exhibit a willingness to understand what they are going through and care enough to encourage them to get help, you have some things that you need to work out as well.
Are you able to get passed the infidelity (as applicable) and loss of trust? You must look within before deciding how to proceed. Speaking with a counselor yourself may be the place to start, especially if you need to better process your thoughts and feelings of betrayal and/or anger in a healthy manner. If you do conclude that you want to work through recovery with your partner, you may suggest couples counseling as a supplement to your partner’s own individual strategy. Explore this option together via the link below.
Does Recovery Mean Abstinence for Both of You?
If you plan to work through recovery together, you may be wondering what your sex life will look like in the near future. You may even be concerned that if your partner is a “sex addict” then they may have to abstain which therefore takes sex off the table for you as their devoted partner. Someone with a substance abuse disorder may never again be able to consume alcohol, so does the same rationale apply to someone recovering from problematic sexual behavior?
While it’s a valid concern, you can find peace of mind that permanent abstinence is most certainly not required for effective recovery. A timeout from sex may be needed in the beginning, but this will be fleshed out with their/your counselor. We have covered this topic in a previously published article titled Do Sex Addicts Have to Abstain which we recommend that you read and share with your partner accordingly. Also read Alternatives to Sex for Those in Recovery for Problematic Sexual Behavior.
Let’s Talk About You and Your Partner’s Relationship with Sex
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