It is generally accepted that those with alcohol use disorder (AUD) and substance use disorder (SUD) should avoid alcohol and addictive chemical substances in perpetuity. Permanent abstinence is even recommended for those with severe gambling disorder (GD). These activities are not innate to our human physiology nor do they serve a purpose for our survival. We can live without them just fine. Dealing with compulsive sexual behavior on the other hand, is more complicated.
While not a basic human need, sex has been in our DNA since the beginning of our existence. Whether you believe we came from a big bang, a frisky amoeba, or Adam & Eve, it has been and remains to be requisite for consummating unions and populating the Earth (not necessarily in that order). Moreover, there are many health benefits associated with a responsible sex life. Oxford Academic confirms that populations with higher frequency of sexual arousal and orgasms exhibit reduced rates of breast cancer, prostate cancer, obesity, incontinence, cardiovascular disease, and much more. So when determining what is and isn’t required from someone in recovery for compulsive sexual behavior it’s logical to ask – do sex addicts have to abstain? Let’s find out.
6 Things to Consider When Deciding on if/when Sexual Activity is OK for a Recovering Sex Addict
A Time-Out Can Provide Clarity
Do sex addicts have to abstain? No, they do not. However, taking a time-out is important for a couple of reasons. For one, it allows someone who struggles with compulsive sexual behavior to test the progress of their recovery. One of the primary symptoms of sex addiction is an ability to abstain when making a conscious effort to stop having sex. If a patient feels if they can’t make it another month, week, or even a day without intercourse they are not yet in the “right place” to return to normal and healthy sexual relations with a partner. Further, taking a time-out from a compulsion that once clouded their ability to concentrate on day-to-day responsibilities, enjoy other activities, and experience non-sexual relationships (all of which are also symptoms of sex addiction) will provide a sense of clarity and perspective.
How long should a sex addict abstain from sex during recovery? A period of 30 to 90 days of entering counseling/therapy is the guidepost most suggested by experts. Those with severe sexual compulsions and cooccurring conditions (more on this below) may have better odds of a successful recovery by abstaining for a year or up to 18-months. Ultimately, the length of abstinence should be taken on a case by case basis.
Permanent Abstinence Can Backfire
It can be problematic, if not dangerous, for a recovering sex addict to attempt to abstain forever or for many years. The reasoning aligns with data regarding those who attempt to abstain from masturbation and the feelings of shame they experience when they relapse into something that is perfectly natural to human existence. Psychology Today confirms that in a study of those attempting “masturbation sobriety” almost 30% experienced thoughts of suicide. Suicidal ideation was attributed to the failure of efforts to maintain abstinence.
Unlike with chemically addictive substances or process addictions related to behaviors that are not innate to our physiology, it is not reasonable to demand abstinence from sex forever.
When it’s “Wrong” You’ll Know It
Excluding asexual persons, strong feelings of sexual desire will remain for most. It’s existence while in recovery does not infer that recovery is not working. If after taking a time-out, a recovering sex addict chooses to engage in sex, they will have a sense of whether or not it is “right” for them.
Returning to the signs and symptoms of sex addiction we can pinpoint activities that can be interpreted as being “wrong” for someone who is not yet ready to enjoy a healthy and responsible sex life. These include the following:
- An inability to control compulsion to have sex resulting in sex (often unprotected) with multiple partners, including strangers
- Infidelity while in a supposed monogamous relationship
- Solicitation of sex from sex-workers to satisfy urges
- Using sex as a coping mechanism for anxiety, stress, depression
The above are circumstances that sex addicts (and most of the population) should abstain from forever. They are sure to be followed by feelings of shame, embarrassment and remorse, which can further compromise the mental health of a recovering sex addict.
Healthy Sex is Healthy
On the flip side of the above, a recovering sex addict will know healthy sex when they experience it. If they have a caring/loving partner such as a spouse or companion they can work together to get back into a healthy sexual “routine” and rediscover intimacy in a healthy manner.
It’s important for individual and couple experiences to be balanced out to include a variety of healthy activities that are not focused on sex. This will help ensure that sex does not have the opportunity to become the sole focus ever again. Activities should include those that produce the same relative neurotransmitter activity as intercourse. Dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin are all released during sex and are in-part connected to the compulsion that sex addicts experience. If you’re a recovering sex addict, reference this guide on Alternatives to Pornography that also apply to this particular scenario.
Managing Cooccurring Conditions
There are a number of mental and behavioral health disorders that are known to cooccur with sex addiction, including ADHD, PTSD, and more. Click here to reference which disorders co-exist with compulsive sexual behavior. If a recovering sex addict struggles with any of these cooccurring disorders and has not yet been able to manage them through treatment, the period of abstinence from sex may need to be extended accordingly. This leads us to the final call to action.
Committing to Ongoing Counseling is Critical
As readers can tell from everything discussed here today, there is a lot of nuance involved in answering the question of “Do sex addicts have to abstain?”. One thing is for certain, someone who has exhibited compulsive sexual behavior must participate in ongoing counseling and therapy during their journey back into a healthy sex life. A qualified therapist can help patients determine when they are ready to enjoy sex responsibly with a partner once again, and can be there should concerns regarding compulsions arise again. Those who are in committed relationships may also considering adding couples counseling to their individual treatment experience.
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