It happens like clockwork with your partner or spouse. Things seem pretty normal through most the year, but as the holiday season unfolds the relationship unravels. Instead of enjoying festivities together you’re bogged down in arguments followed by silent treatments so deafening that you couldn’t hear a sleigh bell ringing if it was parked in your living room.
You’re certainly not alone in this annual experience, but that fact offers little solace. So why do couples fight on holidays? Understanding the reasons may lead to greater mindfulness of triggers which can lead to healthier responses to potential conflict, and in many cases, to seek an assist from a professional.
Below is an overview of the common reasons why couples go toe-to-toe instead of spending more quality time under the mistletoe, along with a look at what’s needed to correct the course.
5 Common Reasons Why Couples Fight More During the Holidays and What Can Be Done to Prevent it This Time Around
Dividing Time Between Families
A recent survey found that nearly one-quarter of American couples feel guilty or pressured by either their own families, or that of their partner, on how to divide their time between the two different “branches” of family during the holiday season. This causes tension between partners and spouses, and this tension is elevated when one (or both) have a problem with their respective in-laws (which accounts for 75% of married couples).
If this is a common thread in the unraveling of your romantic union during the holidays, reference the following guide for How to Manage Anxiety Triggered by In-Laws.
December Dilemma / Religious Differences
Religious differences can be a powerful causation factor of trouble in marriages and romantic partnerships during the holidays. It has become so commonplace among interfaith couples (particularly Jewish-Christian couples) that the seasonal phenomenon has been given the name of “December Dilemma”. Despite knowing what’s coming each and every year, conflict bubbles up upon its arrival, and generally stems from differing traditions, the pressure to choose between faiths, differing views on activities like decorating, and the emotional weight of family expectations. This all leads to tension, anxiety, animosity, resentment, and frustration for a couple.
While faith-based and interfaith specific counseling are often touted as being critical to managing this conflict, Emotionally Focused Therapy (not exclusive to interfaith couples) can be a highly effective alternative or supplement. EFT is an evidence-based couples therapy model that helps partners understand and change negative interaction patterns fueled by underlying emotions. It focuses on identifying, expressing, and de-escalating negative cycles to help a couple build a more secure bond and communicate in a manner that foster closeness and trust. It does not require that one makes a decision about changing their faith, and more importantly, it gets to the root of the issue that can contribute to more sustainable happiness together through the other 365 days of the year.
Setting Unrealistic Expectations
One or both people in a romantic union may set unrealistic expectations during the holiday season due to pressure (often self-inflicted pressure) to create a perfect experience. When things don’t go as planned it can lead to potential conflict and disappointment.
If this sounds familiar, be sure to communicate openly about priorities and differences, set clear boundaries with family and friends, and focus on your shared values as a couple instead of locking-in on the expectations associated with specific traditions.
Financial Stress
The American Psychological Association (APA) reports on various studies that show what you probably already know and experience yourselves – that financial concerns are among the most common sources of disagreement for couples. This is elevated during the holidays due to increased expenses from gifts, travel, and hosting. Differences in spending habits, priorities, and financial values boil to the surface and foster an environment of anger, anxiety, stress, and can exasperate signs and symptoms of other mental health issues (i.e. mild to moderate depression) in one or both of you.
Conflict prevention here is rooted in both practicality and mindfulness. To begin with, take the time to create a realistic budget together before the season starts (or start now) and discuss financial expectations openly, find compromises, and focus more on non-material aspects of the holidays. Further, consider starting couples counseling immediately and let your intake specialist and counselor know that financial stress plays a key role in what causes you to fight at this time of the year. Counseling can help you overcome financial arguments by facilitating open communication, teaching conflict resolution, and addressing the emotional and psychological factors behind money disagreements. This clears the way to develop a shared financial plan with clear goals and practical strategies for teamwork and accountability through the month of December, and beyond.
Miscommunication Over Roles + Responsibilities
A number of couples fight over miscommunication about roles and responsibilities during the holidays. This miscommunication can be caused by increased anxiety and stress felt at this time of the year, and can also lead to further elevated feelings of anxiety and stress. Miscommunication is compounded further due to a higher volume of decisions that need to be made about things such as gift giving, hosting duties, decorating, food preparations, and other things that should be enjoyable around the household. One partner generally feels more overwhelmed than the other, which creates resentment as they continue to take on more tasks. As a result, both partners become disconnected.
If you can relate to this reason for fighting during the holidays, start the practical step of documenting your respective roles and responsibilities (that are agreed upon together), make clear what the expectations of each are, and set clear boundaries so that each one of you can make progress at their pace. Also leave room opportunity to help one another out at the bequest of the one in need of an assist, should an event (i.e. unanticipated work meeting, etc.) disrupt the division of labor. Of course, this process may be easier said than done for some, which is where counseling once again comes into the picture. Couples counseling can help partners address miscommunication about holiday roles and responsibilities by providing a neutral space to clarify unspoken expectations, develop clear plans for dividing labor, and learn effective communication skills.
As you can see, accompanying practical steps to prevent getting into constant fights is a call-to-action to engage in couples counseling. By starting today, you pave the way for a much happier and healthier holiday season with your beloved. That’s a gift that keeps on giving!
Kindbridge offers powerful couples counseling by-phone and online. Our virtual platform is a convenience that you’ll both appreciate through this busy season. Reach out via your preferred form of contact below to schedule your first session.
