Complaints about getting along with the in-laws may be an age-old trope, but it’s one for a reason. Surveys from Cambridge University find that 75% of couples report having problems with an in-law. Gender dynamics seem to play a role, with 51-60% of women admitting that the relationship with their female in-law caused them long-term stress, whereas only about 15% of mother-in-law/son-in-law and 16% of father-in-law/son-in-law relationships were described as tense.
Common reasons for real or perceived conflict include the following:
- Lack of boundaries involving unwanted advice over a couple’s household decisions, interference with parenting, et cetera.
- Struggles with a new dynamic, where an in-law may feel that they’ve been replaced by their child’s spouse, leading to resentment. This is more prevalent for in-laws who have traditionally been very protective or overprotective of their child (your spouse).
- Differing cultural values.
- Differing family values.
- Differences in expectations around things like visiting frequency, holiday plans, or the level of involvement in each other’s lives.
- Underlying psychological factors.
While we could do a deep dive into each of the causation and cooccurring factors, that’s not what YOU came here for. You performed an online search for “in-laws trigger my anxiety” as you prepare to be around them this holiday season. For the sake of keeping the peace you want to know what can be done TODAY to help you make it through. Here’s what you need to do.
4 Tips to Managing Anxiety Triggered by Being Around In-Laws During the Holiday Season
1. Separate Real vs Perceived Triggers
There are some triggers rooted in palpable things that an in-law may say or do. If they constantly vocalize criticisms of your parenting style or your choice of vocation, especially during inappropriate times, you can add those to the column of rational reasons for being triggered.
However, you may enter into holiday season gatherings with a preconceived notion that an in-law will act a certain way, and as a result your mind may be locked-and-loaded with symptoms of anxiety (anger, irritation, tension, etc.) even without actually being prodded. This could be the result of a past experience with them, such as a confrontational dinner from last holiday season. What you may not realize, is that they may have made a conscious decision to be more understanding, empathetic, and cordial this go-around. But if you enter the arena ready to rumble, you could tumble into negative emotions. Further, perceived triggers often intensify the real issues, making the conflict personal even when it isn’t intended to be.
Prior to visits with the in-laws this season, take inventory of what triggers you. As “proceedings” unfold, be mindful to differentiate between triggering events that actually occur, and those that you may have built up in your mind. Understanding perceived anxiety triggers is crucial for managing anxiety because it allows you to recognize and prepare for situations that cause an overactive stress response. From here you can develop strategies to manage your reaction, build resilience, and eventually reduce the intensity of your anxiety symptoms.
2. Avoid Avoidance
Avoidance is a key symptom and a core feature of anxiety. It is a behavioral response to situations that trigger fear and anxiety, such as interactions with in-laws that you have associated with anxiety in the past.
You will be tempted to skip holiday season trips and gatherings where the in-laws are involved, but this will not help. It may provide temporary relief, but it often reinforces the anxiety over time, creating a cycle that can worsen symptoms. Further, avoidance will be noticed by your in-laws, whether they are attempting to make amends for their past role in conflict (where applicable) or otherwise, which can foster an environment of resentment and drive a further wedge between you.
Instead, show up, and be proud of yourself for doing so. From here, you can prepare yourself to manage symptoms of anxiety, should they be triggered through the techniques provided below.
3. Practice These Anxiety Management Techniques
If you find that you’re triggered by interactions with your in-laws, the following anxiety management techniques which are rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) is a process of systematically tensing and releasing different muscle groups to reduce symptoms of anxiety and achieving a state of calm.
To practice PMR while triggered at holiday gatherings with in-laws, briefly excuse yourself and go into a separate and unoccupied room in the home. If required to ensure privacy, you can state that you need to wrap presents (etc.) and cannot be interrupted. Once in a quiet space, assume a comfortable position, focus on your breathing, and then work through your body from your head to toes (or vice versa). Inhale as you tighten a muscle group for a few seconds, hold, and then fully exhale to release the tension, noticing the feeling of relaxation before moving to the next group. As a sense of calm washes over you, you will be able to return to the gathering in a better state of mind.
Guided Imagery
Guided imagery involves using the imagination to create a calm, peaceful scene in your mind that will promote relaxation and reduce symptoms of anxiety by engaging all senses.
To practice guided imagery while at gatherings with the in-laws, find a quiet area (again, a separate room), assume a comfortable position, take deep breaths, and use a script or a recording on your phone to visualize a safe, relaxing place, adding details like sounds, smells, and feelings, and then gently bring your attention back to the present. An example of guided imagery that can be effective during this time of the year may include a cozily lit room (visual) with a real Christmas tree (visual + scent), while imaging that a loved one is in the background baking cookies in the kitchen (feeling + scent). Take inventory of any scenario that innately makes you feel calm, and bring it with you to all holiday gatherings.
Mindful Breathing
Mindful breathing involves techniques such as the 4-7-8 method (inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8) or simply slowing your breath to a comfortable rhythm. It requires that you focus on the physical sensation of each breath, so that you can activate your body’s relaxation response and ground yourself in the present moment, shifting your focus away from anxious thoughts about real or perceived conflict with an in-law.
Mindful breathing can be done in a seated position using good posture, but generally works best when done comfortably on the floor. Once you’ve found a quiet room, lie on your back on a flat surface with your knees bent, then place one hand on your upper chest and the other on your stomach, just below your rib cage. Breathe in slowly through your nose, letting the air in deeply, towards your lower belly. The hand on your chest should remain still, while the one on your belly should rise. Tighten your abdominal muscles and let them compress inward as you exhale through pursed lips as the hand on your belly moves down to its original position.
Mindful Meditation
Find a quiet room in the home, sit comfortably with a straight back, and close your eyes. Focus on your breath, feeling it move in and out of your body without trying to change it. It’s OK if your mind initially wanders as you explore mindful meditation, so don’t feel disappointed with yourself if/when it occurs. It’s not a failure. Instead, simply recognize the wandering thought without judgment and gently guide your focus back to your breath. This can be done in short period sessions, and often during long extended family gatherings.
Mindful Walking
What if it’s not practical to access a separate room, or it could be perceived as escapism by those you’re trying to abate conflict with? Take a walk. There are many reasons that you could give (if needed) to excuse yourself to head outside for a short stroll at this time of the year that an in-law can appreciate. You may have last minute errands to attend to, or need to make a call for work or to speak with a member of your family. You could also state that you want the exercise to make room for the wonderful food and drink that they have prepared for you!
Please note that this is not avoidance we’re suggesting here, but a technique known as mindful walking. Mindful walking focuses on your footsteps and sensations as you move along the sidewalk. As with traditional mindful meditation (above) there will be distractions along the way, even more so given that you will be outside and exposed to all sorts of sights and sounds. Go ahead and acknowledge these distractions as they occur, then proceed to return your focus. Brief periods (even just 5-minutes) of mindful walking through the neighborhood can be very effective.
4. Weekly Counseling Through the Holidays
This is one of the most effective techniques for managing anxiety not just for holiday gatherings with triggering in-laws, but overall. By engaging in weekly virtual 60-minute counseling sessions through the season with an anxiety management specialist, your mind will be put at ease as you learn (and practice) healthy coping skills. Start with an initial 75-minute assessment, so that through a collaborative process, your CBT therapist will discuss your personal history and anxiety symptoms to set defined goals. During the assessment your counselor will also be able to identify underlying psychological factors that may cause, contribute to, or cooccur with a complicated relationship with your in-laws.
Not only will this help you deal with anxiety and even thrive during holiday gatherings, it will set the table for longer term and sustainable work in the new year. Further, it may give you the opportunity to engage in-laws in a conversation about engaging in family counseling together, for instances where there are issues that can be better resolved with the guidance of a counselor.
