Do you delay coming home at the end of the work day to avoid seeing your spouse, knowing that as soon as you do feelings of anger will wash over you? Do you come up with reasons to sleep on the sofa because you are easily irritated by every shuffle, sniffle, and snore they make in bed? Do you avoid conversations about household matters because disagreement will cause you to fly off the handle? Now here’s the real kicker – they haven’t done anything wrong. At least not in any sense of significance such as financial irresponsibility, emotional abuse, swift changes in religious or political ideology, infidelity, and other leading causes of separation and divorce in America. And yet, despite everything you do not want to join the 41% of first-time marriages that sever ties. You still love your spouse deeply. This has you perplexed and consequently looking inward. You realize that you can’t live this way any longer and want to know why you feel the way you do. More importantly, you want to know how to stop being angry with your spouse, beginning today. Please keep reading.
3 Powerful Ways to Stop the Irrational Anger / Irritation You Feel Towards Your Spouse and Feel Better Together
Manage Neurotransmitters Associated with Habitual Anger
Humans are creatures of habit and routine. This truism applies to many things, including anger. When you’re constantly angry with your spouse and allow it to fester without intervention you train your brain to maintain status quo. It’s why when you approach the door of your home after a good day at work, your mood can switch in an instant. Your brain has learned to associate seeing your spouse with negative emotions. So even if you’ve given yourself a quick pep-talk about staying positive when seeing them, a cocktail of norepinephrine, adrenaline and cortisol cuts in line and derails your plan. Further, anger can trigger dopamine reward receptors in the brain. While logic tells you that anger is innately a bad thing, the emotion aligns with those experienced during thrill-seeking activities. A dopamine rush ensues, you experience a “high”, and when that high comes crashing down you feel emotionally drained and perhaps depressed. Your brain demands more dopamine, which may spark feelings of anger towards the person closest to you yet again. Addictive behavior is formed and it becomes harder to be around and engage with your spouse without feeling negative. In some cases you are outright prepared to stay angry at them because there is a strange sense of comfort in the routine.
In understanding this, you can take steps to escape anger’s firm grip by manipulating the above-mentioned neurotransmitters and hormones. They are not the puppet masters, you are.
You can satiate your brain’s craving for dopamine while better managing norepinephrine, adrenaline and cortisol with a variety of healthy activities. Examples include the following:
- Challenging outdoor recreation such as climbing, hiking, running, paddling, skiing, surfing, et cetera
- High intensity interval training (HIIT)
- Deep breathing exercises
- Meditation
- Immersion in the arts such as painting, sculpting, and playing music
Once you’ve participated in and identified activities that work well in making you feel and stay more positive, invite your spouse to participate in those that make sense as a shared experience. A dopamine-releasing jog or hike together two or three times a week can work wonders in anger-mitigation and in improving your relationship. It’s also a good idea to choose an activity (alone and then shared) that you’re not already proficient at. Research shows being challenged to learn a new skill is effective in releasing dopamine. The two of you fumbling over a four-layered lasagna recipe in a cooking class (assuming neither one of you is a good cook) will certainly result in chuckles and smiles. And on that note, research shows that cooking and consuming healthy food releases dopamine, and when done together as a couple can stimulate sexual desire.
Find Out if Anger is a “Symptom” of Something Else
Feelings of anger towards others, especially those closest to you, are often a projection of negative feelings about yourself. Introspection is also critical to identifying underlying mental and behavioral health concerns that are known to cooccur with problematic anger and irritation. Should there be a cooccurring issue, the advice provided in the section above will not produce sustainable progress.
The following are known to cooccur with chronic anger and irritation:
- Bipolar disorder
- Borderline personality disorder
- Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder
- Gambling disorder
- Gaming disorder
- Intermittent explosive disorder
- Oppositional defiant disorder
- Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Schizophrenia
- Substance abuse disorder
If you suspect that you struggle with any one of the above, get an online assessment with Kindbridge right away. If an issue is confirmed, a therapist with build-out a customized counseling strategy to treat the issue and problematic anger that cooccurs. And if your assessment finds that there is no cooccurring disorder, your counselor can initiate anger management therapy. In either case, you will be well on the way to no longer being angry with your spouse.
Please read ahead for one additional suggestion.
Work Through Your Anger, Together
Your spouse will likely have picked up on you constantly being angry and irritated with them. At the very least they will have noticed that you have pulled away and become distant. Once you have engaged Kindbridge (remember to book your assessment here) we encourage you to confide in them. Let them know how you’ve been feeling and that you have taken the first step towards healing. Furthermore, as a supplement to your individual journey in anger management (and/or therapy for cooccurring issues) invite your spouse to join you in couples counseling. After all, this journey is not just about you, it’s about them too. They likely have thoughts, feelings, and emotions that they want to work through with a professional in a space that feels comfortable and safe, together.
Engage your spouse and explore the benefits of couples counseling with Kindbridge Behavioral Health.
Questions Prior to Booking Your Session?
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